When we used to see movies in a theater, you would stick around to the end, no matter how disgusting, disturbing, or homophobic the content. I can only remember walking out on Spiderman (2002) because of Spidey's quip that "like all stories, this story is about a boy and a girl"; Burn after Reading (2008) because a main character is killed in a "comedy"; and Moulin Rouge (2001) because it was just horrible.
When we used to rent or buy DVDs, you would usually stick around to the end, too, just because you paid for the thing. I can only remember stopping and throwing out (or returning) The Breakfast Club (1985), because of the homophobic "Fags keep out" line; Pretty in Pink (1986), for the same reason; and City Limits (1985), because it was just bad.
But with streaming content, you can be very picky. Three seconds in, and you're yelling "Next!". This morning, for instance, I started the rounds with Netflix:
1. A Classic Horror Story. Rave reviews, and the star is the buffed Will Merrick (top photo). Opening scene: a bloody woman tied up in a hunting lodge. That's not classic, it's cliche. Why is it always a woman in jeopardy, never a man? Next!
2. Gunpowder Milkshake. Netflix started displaying the trailer without my consent. In a red-draped bowling alley, a woman is threatened by three men with tasers and baseball bats. She clobbers them. Why is it always a woman in jeopardy, never a man? Next!
3. Fear Street Part 2: 1978. The second part of the three-movie series about a small town cursed by intermittent bouts of serial killers. The first was bad, but maybe something set in 1978, the year I graduated from high school, would provide nostalgia. Scene 1: A woman drinks whiskey, eats macaroni and cheese, and makes sure all the doors are locked. Why is it always a woman in jeopardy, never a man? Next!
4. American Ultra, about a stoner (Jesse Eisenberg with long hair) who discovers that he has received secret superspy training. Scene 1: the stoner narrates: "it all started three days ago in Liman, West Virginia, where I live with my girlfriend." We see him naked in the bathtub, then the girlfriend in her underwear watching tv in the living room. Nope!
On to Amazon Prime:
5. Dorian Gray. No trailer, nothing in the blurb suggesting that Dorian Gray is gay. I'll bet they turned the protagonist of the Oscar Wilde classic into a raving heterosexual. Scene 1: Dorian (Ben Barnes) in an attic, knifing someone to death. Blood splatters everywhere. He wipes it off with a towel, then sniffs the towel. WTF? I'm out!
6. No Clue. Starring Brent Butt from Corner Gas. "When a beautiful woman...." Why do the blurbs always describe women's attractiveness, never men's? Next!
7. Tom Clancy's Without Remorse. You can't draw me in with the half-naked hunk on the icon. It's about a guy "seeking justice for his murdered wife." Why are there always dead wives in the back story? Next!
8. Bliss. A "mind-bending love story" about a man who meets a woman. Next!
Disney Plus?
9. Hamilton. A musical about Alexander Hamilton (the founding father killed in a duel with Aaron Burr). Except it's not a musical, it's an opera -- all singing all the time. Yuck!
10. The Greatest Showman. A musical inspired by the life of P.T. Barnum. Rave reviews. Scene 1: Barnum as a poor boy going with his father, a tailor, to a rich man's house. There's a little girl in the parlor. He grins at her, overwhelmed by heterosexual desire. Yuck!
11. Girl vs. Monster. A teenage girl discovers that her parents are monster-hunters. Trailer: the girl and her two friends (a boy and a girl) at lunch in the cafeteria, studying for the big test. A second boy (Luke Benward) drops by to flirt. His girlfriend appears to drag him away. These people are all white -- and blond -- and hetero-horny. Next!
12. Artemis Fowl, an adaption of the book series about a 12-year old villain fighting fairies, I think. Scene 1: Hagrid is arrested outside a huge mansion. Reporters talking over one another about "him" being accused of multiple thefts of art treasures. Cut to Hagrid (actual name Mulch Diggums) being interrogated.
Good enough. I'm watching this.
Grrr. Artemis gets a girlfriend!
source http://everydayheterosexism.blogspot.com/2021/07/finding-movie-that-isnt-terrible-at-400.html
